Why Kakashi Hates Santa
by FinalFormSora
Summary: Kakashi tells Naruto that Santa doesn't exist, and Naruto sets out to prove him wrong. But could Kakashi have an ulterior motive? Chapter 3 finally up!
1. Chapter 1

Hello, everybody. This is my first fanfiction, so please be kind. I do not own Naruto.

Warning: Sakura bashing.

Gentle snowflakes were falling in the quiet town of Konoha. It was Christmas Eve, and everyone was anticipating the next day. Toy stores were packed with frantic shoppers. Houses were decorated with Christmas lights. Little children ran happily through the streets, dreaming of the new shuriken and kunai blades that they would surely receive the next morning.

Standing on a snow-covered bridge on the outskirts of town, impatiently waiting for their teacher, were our three heroes (or rather, two heroes and one worthless sack of crap): Uzumaki Naruto, Uchiha Sasuke, and Haruno Sakura. Sakura was wearing a long grey coat. Sasuke was wearing a black, hooded jacket trimmed with white fleece, and long, navy blue pants. Naruto was wearing an orange coat over his orange sweatsuit.

"Rrr, that Kakashi! Making us train on Christmas Eve! And he could at least show up on time!" yelled Naruto.

"Pipe down, you little dobe. I'm trying to concentrate," said Sasuke. "Maybe if you spent less time screaming and more time practicing ninjutsu, you wouldn't be so weak."

"What was that?!" Naruto shouted, balling his right hand into a fist.

"Naruto, leave Sasuke-kun alone," Sakura said.

"He's the one that started it!" Naruto said, pointing angrily at Sasuke.

"That's enough, you guys," said a voice.

With a start, Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura all looked up and saw Kakashi standing on top of the arc of wood over the bridge, calmly reading a manga volume titled: _Icha Icha Paradise: Christmas Edition_.

"You're late!!" Naruto and Sakura screamed in unison.

"Hey, Sasuke. How's my favorite shinobi doing?" Kakashi asked, showing blatant favoritism to Sasuke while completely ignoring Naruto and Sakura, as usual.

"Whatever," Sasuke said, too über-cool to answer Kakashi's question, or even show any respect to Kakashi at all. "Conformist," he muttered under his breath.

"All right, today we'll be training in Area 7," Kakashi said, while gleefully flipping a page of his perverted manga book. "We're going to practice our teamwork."

"Aargh! Why do we have to train on Christmas Eve?!! Every other squad has the day off!!" yelled Naruto. "This sucks harder than Sakura's fighting skills!"

"Well," said Kakashi, with a sudden note of anger in his voice, "since two out of the three kids on this team are orphans, I figured you wouldn't have to do too much last-minute Christmas shopping."

Naruto stared at Kakashi, open-mouthed.

"Kakashi-sensei, that was inappropriate," Sakura said. "That's no way to talk to your students, especially on Christmas."

"Christmas? Bah! Humbug!" said Kakashi. "If I had my way, every fool who celebrates Christmas would be boiled in his own pudding. Don't you dumb kids understand? Christmas is just a way for stupid people to waste their money and pin their hopes and dreams on a false reality. It's all lies."

The three genin gaped Kakashi for a full minute (well, actually, Sasuke was too cool to gape, so he just kind of glared at Kakashi and muttered some stuff about killing Itachi).

Suddenly, Naruto jabbed his finger out indignantly at Kakashi, a look of incredulous rage on his face. "Kakashi-sensei, you'd better stop saying things like that, or Santa Claus won't bring you any presents! Believe it!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes, amazed at Naruto's stupidity. And did the little dobe have to add "Believe it!" to every friggin' thing he said? Sakura attempted to roll her eyes in order to imitate Sasuke, but accidentally crossed them instead. Because of her incredible lack of physical strength, this was enough to cause her to pass out.

"Naruto," Kakashi said, ignoring the unconscious Sakura, "you're a perfect example of what I'm talking about. Look at you. You're a slack-jawed moron eager to buy into all this Christmas baloney. And you're too stupid to even realize that _Santa doesn't exist._"

At the sound of the words "Santa doesn't exist", Naruto's heart shattered. Could it be true? Was it possible that Santa really didn't exist? 'No!' a voice inside him said. 'If Santa doesn't exist, who leaves the presents under the Christmas tree? It can't be Iruka-sensei, because he doesn't have a key to your house, and everyone knows that there's no way an experienced chuunin can enter someone else's house without a key. Therefore, logically, Santa must exist!'

"You're wrong, Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto yelled defiantly. "Santa does exist, and I'm gonna prove it to you! Believe it!" With that, Naruto ran off in the direction of his house, training forgotten.

Kakashi watched him go, then turned to face Sasuke. "All right, Sasuke," he said. "It looks like we'll be the only ones training today. C'mon, let's go."

"Whatever," Sasuke muttered, roughly kicking Sakura's unconscious form before following Kakashi to Area 7.


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for the reviews, everyone. Here is the second chapter of "Why Kakashi Hates Santa". Enjoy.

Naruto surveyed his handiwork with pride. After Kakashi had finished spreading his lies and deceit, Naruto had run home and quickly constructed a trap for Santa Claus. "It's perfect! Believe it!" he declared. In truth, it was little more than a simple rope trap, similar to the ones Kakashi had used on Naruto when he was first testing Naruto's team. But it was made out of Christmas lights, so that it blended in with the rest of the decorations. Naruto had placed it directly under his chimney in order to catch Santa as soon as he entered his house. When he had Santa trapped, he would bring Kakashi to his house and show him that Santa existed.

Naruto considered the idea that Santa might be just a tad bit pissed when he found himself dangling upside-down from the ceiling, but decided that Santa would understand that it was for a good cause.

Pleased with his trap, Naruto took a look at his watch. 'Eleven o' clock,' he thought. 'Time to go to sleep and wait for Santa to show up.' He went upstairs, brushed his teeth, and put on his favorite striped pajamas. Then he went into his room and climbed into bed. Happily anticipating the look on Kakashi's face (above the mask) when he realized that Santa Claus was real, Naruto drifted off to sleep.

Naruto was awakened by the sound of struggling and angry curses coming from the living room. He jumped out of bed and rushed downstairs and into the living room. There, he saw a rather chunky, rosy cheeked, and apparently thoroughly ticked off man in a red suit and hat hanging by his feet from the ceiling, caught in Naruto's Christmas light trap. It looked like the Christmas lights were having trouble supporting the man's weight.

"Santa!!" Naruto yelled jubilantly.

"You! You're the one who set this trap!" Santa spat vehemently. "Get me down from here!"

"It's really Santa! Believe it!" Naruto shouted, ignoring Santa's words completely.

"I said, get me down from here, you little br—" Before Santa could finish his sentence, the Christmas lights holding him up snapped, and he fell face first onto the floor.

"Oh, no! Santa, are you okay?" Naruto asked, rushing over to help him up.

"Keep your paws off me!" Santa said angrily, picking himself up off the floor. "Just what do you mean, setting a trap for me like that?"

Naruto looked down at the ground. "Well…I wanted to catch you to prove to my sensei that you really existed."

"And did it ever occur to you that I might not approve of your plan?"

"Well, yeah, but I thought you'd understand that I just wanted to prove that you existed, so technically it was a good deed…" Naruto answered.

"Not in my book," Santa said coldly. "Anyway, I've gotta go. I've got other houses to get to, and…"

"Wait! You can't go! I have to prove to Kakashi-sensei that you exist! Believe it!"

"Listen, kid. You just blew any chance you ever had of getting on my 'nice' list. You'd be lucky if I even left you coal for Christmas. I'm not going through with your little plan. And stop saying 'Believe it!' so much. You sound like an idiot."

"Please don't go, Santa!!" Naruto yelled. "Please!Please!Please!Please!Please!Believeit! Please!Please!Please!Please!"

"Oh, all right, if it'll shut you up!" Santa said. "Go get your sensei."

"Actually, that won't be necessary," said a voice from the kitchen.

Santa and Naruto both turned to face the kitchen. Standing in the doorway was none other than Hatake Kakashi. If Naruto could see Kakashi's mouth, he would probably have seen Kakashi grinning malevolently.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't old St. Nick himself," Kakashi said with a chuckle. "It seems everything has gone as I planned. And now, Santa, I have you exactly where I want you."

Oh no! What dastardly plans could Kakashi have for Santa? Will Naruto get back on Santa's "nice" list? And will Sakura ever awaken from her coma? (Let's hope not.) Find out in: "Why Kakashi Hates Santa: Chapter Three".


	3. Chapter 3

Here it is: the third and final chapter of "Why Kakashi Hates Santa." Uh…sorry I've taken so long to update. I've had a lot of school work to do, and besides that, I'm really lazy. I wanted to get this last chapter posted by Christmas, since it's about Christmas…but that didn't exactly work out, due to my aforementioned laziness. I don't own Naruto, and Naruto doesn't own me. We work together as equals for the betterment of our society…um, yeah…

"Wait a minute, what's going on? Believe it!" Naruto yelled.

"Yeah, just what the heck is going on here?" Santa asked angrily. "Look I've got other kids to deliver presents to. I don't have time to waste screwing around with you bozos."

Kakashi let out another creepy chuckle. "So, you really don't know what this is all about, eh Santa? Don't you even remember who I am? C'mon, think _really_ hard."

"Seriously, I'm drawing a blank," Santa said.

A frown darkened Kakashi's face (above the mask, of course). "Fine then," he said. "Let me refresh your memory: It was the Christmas Eve of '88. I was a ten-year-old boy, eagerly awaiting the arrival of Santa Claus. I could hardly contain my excitement. I went to bed that night, knowing that I had been a good little boy, and that Santa would surely give me the one thing I desired above all else. But when I woke up that morning and checked under the tree, all that was there for me was coal!"

"Look Kikoshi, or whatever your name is, I gave coal to a lot of little brats back in 1988. This still isn't ringing any bells."

"Hey, what did you ask for from Santa, anyway?" Naruto asked.

Kakashi let out a low, dark laugh. "You want to know what I asked Santa for?" he said. His laugh turned into a high pitched cackle that would have made even Gaara nervous. "You really wanna know?!!" With one quick movement, Kakashi grabbed his mask and yanked it off, revealing the rest of his face.

The first thing that Naruto felt upon seeing his sensei's face was…disappointment. Kakashi's face looked just like any other face, except for the fact that his mouth was twisted into a deranged grin. But as Naruto looked more closely, he noticed something: the two top teeth that should have been at the center of Kakashi's mouth were missing.

"Remember me now, Old Man Kringle?" Kakashi asked. "All I wanted for Christmas was my two front teeth, but you gave me coal!"

"Wait a minute, I _do_ remember you," Santa said. "And you weren't a good boy at all! You killed sixty-seven people that year!"

"I was good by Konoha standards!" Kakashi shouted angrily. "I didn't try to buy alcohol or porn!"

"Look, I couldn't, in good conscience, give a mass murderer presents, all right?" Santa said.

"No, not all right," Kakashi answered. "You see Santa, that incident scarred me for life. At first, I wondered what I had done wrong. Then, when I was about fifteen, I realized that I hadn't done anything wrong; that you were just a sick, depraved shell of a man that got his kicks by disappointing little kids."

"What?! That's ridiculous!" Santa yelled.

"Yeah, Kakashi-sensei, you're messed up in the head! Believe it!" Naruto added.

"From that day forward, I swore that I would get revenge on you," Kakashi continued, ignoring Santa and Naruto. "But I realized that the only time that you were vulnerable was when you were delivering presents, and I was too old for you to come to my house, even to give me coal. I knew that the only way that I could trap you was to become acquainted with a young child and use him to get to you. So I waited for years; I worked hard and became a jounin; I took that teaching position the Hokage offered me; and now, I've tricked Naruto into capturing you."

"Um, I'm not sure I like where this is going…" Santa said, backing away slowly.

"And just where do you think you're going?" Kakashi said, biting his thumb. "Kuchiyose no jutsu!" he said as he thrust his hand to the floor. Immediately, Santa was tackled by Kakashi's team of ninja dogs.

"Please, let me go!" Santa said. "I'll give you your teeth, just let me go!"

"I'm afraid it's too late for that. But don't worry, Santa," Kakashi said, making hand signs. "It'll all be over in a second." Concentrated blue chakra appeared on Kakashi's right hand.

'The Chidori?!!' Naruto thought. 'Oh, no. Kakashi-sensei's completely lost it. Believe it!...Oh, God, I even do that in my head? What the frick is wrong with me?'

Kakashi grasped his right hand with his left. A grin spread across his face. "Merry Christmas, fat boy!" he yelled, and charged at Santa.

Naruto leapt toward Kakashi, his fist raised to strike. "Kakashi-sensei, I won't let you hurt Santa! Believe i—"

Naruto was cut off by an elbow to the stomach from Kakashi, which sent him flying backwards into a wall.

"You stay out of this, Naruto," Kakashi said.

"Teme!!" Naruto shouted angrily. "Like I'm just gonna sit here and watch while you kill Santa!" He got up and ran straight toward Kakashi, screaming like a banshee on crack.

Kakashi just sighed and kicked Naruto in the stomach, sending him right back into the wall.

"Interesting approach, Naruto," Kakashi said. "Launching a direct attack and yelling. You know, I thought that after training with me for almost a year, you would have maybe, I don't know, learned not to do that."

Naruto muttered something under his breath.

"But, I'll have plenty of time to critique your fighting skills after I kill Santa. Now, where was I?" Kakashi said, turning to face Santa. "Ah, yes, now I remember."

'Oh no, he's really gonna do it,' Naruto thought. 'I only have one choice. My final option…Attack directly again, but this time yell _really_ loud!'

'**No, ya frickin' idiot!' **said the Kyuubi inside Naruto. **'Use my chakra!'**

'But…' thought Naruto.

'**Now you listen to me, you little brat! This happens every time you fight an opponent worth two craps! You fight like you're still in your first year of ninja academy, get your butt handed to you, and then, finally, when you're an inch away from death, you use my chakra. Screw that! Just ask me for some flippin' chakra already!'**

'Um, all right,' Naruto thought. 'Can I have some chakra?'

'**Sure. Here you go,' **the Kyuubi responded.

Instantly, Naruto felt power surge through his body. His teeth sharpened, his nails became claws, his whisker marks grew, and his eyes turned red as his body was consumed by an orange aura. He let out a half-human, half-demonic roar that was so full of chakra that it caused Kakashi's dog summons to disengage and vanish in a poof of smoke.

"**Kakashi!!!" **Naruto yelled.

"Aw, crap," Kakashi said.

With one swift movement, Naruto closed the distance between him and Kakashi and slammed a chakra-drenched fist into Kakashi's face. Kakashi's jaw, nose, and cheekbone were immediately broken, and his body was thrown across Naruto's living room and into the fireplace. He lay there, bloody and unconscious.

"Well, uh…dang, that was pretty anticlimactic," Santa said.

'**I agree with the fat guy,"** the Kyuubi said. **"I wanted more blood! C'mon, Naruto, let's go see if that pink-haired weakling that you're always hanging out with is still in a coma under the bridge. We'd actually be doing Konoha a favor by killing her."**

'He's got a point…' Naruto thought.

Suddenly, Naruto heard movement in the fireplace. He turned his head and saw that Kakashi had come to.

"Why, Naruto?" he asked. "Why did you ruin my revenge? That man…he destroyed my Christmas!"

Naruto sighed. "Oh, Kakashi-sensei, don't you understand? Christmas isn't about presents. It's about spending time with the people you care about."

"Then how come you spent Christmas Eve here, plotting to catch Santa, instead of with Iruka or the rest of Team 7?" Kakashi asked.

"Kakashi-sensei, go back to sleep!" Naruto said, picking up a table and throwing it at Kakashi's head, knocking back into unconsciousness.

"Uh, well, if all this drama is over, I guess it's time for me to leave," Santa said, getting up.

"Oh, uh, yeah," Naruto said, letting the Kyuubi's chakra be swallowed back up into the locked cage in his mind. He suddenly felt bad, because he remembered that Santa had said that he would never be on the "nice" list again.

Santa looked down at him and smiled. "Look, kid, I know I said that there was no way you would ever be on my 'nice' list after you trapped me, and I know that this whole incident was partly your fault, but you really saved my life tonight, so, I've changed my mind."

Naruto's face immediately brightened up. "Thank you, Santa-sama!" he said.

"In fact," Santa continued. "Because you helped me, I'll grant any one wish you have. So, want do you want?"

Naruto's first thought was to ask Santa to end the pointless filler hell the anime was stuck in, but he doubted that even Santa had enough power to correct the stupid decisions of moronic anime directors. Then he remembered that Sakura was still lying unconscious out in the freezing cold. It was true that Sakura was an utterly worthless Sasuke-worshipping fangirl who took pleasure in physically abusing him, but she was still a part of his team, as horrible as that was.

"Santa-sama," Naruto said. "I would like it if you would bring Sakura out of her coma."

"Gee, are you sure?" Santa asked. "Isn't she an utterly worthless Sasuke-worshipping fangirl who—"

"Yes, yes she is," Naruto replied. "But as long as she's a member of my team, I have to look out for her. Believe it."

Santa smiled. "Well, kid, it looks like you've discovered what Christmas is all about." He snapped his fingers. "There. It's done."

"Arigato, Santa-sama," Naruto said.

"Hey, no problem," Santa said, walking over to the fireplace, and making sure to step around Kakashi. "See you around." And with that, he disappeared up the chimney.

Naruto quietly smiled to himself, knowing that he had done his part, not only to save Christmas, but to help a teammate, and that nothing could take that away.

Meanwhile, underneath a bridge…

The first thing that Haruno Sakura realized after she opened her eyes was that it was night. She must have been lying out here all day. The second thing she realized was that she was freezing. Shivering, she sat up, angrier than ever at Naruto. Somehow, she knew that her falling unconscious had to be all his fault.

"Oh, God, you're awake?"

Sakura turned in the direction of the voice. "Sasuke-kun!!" she squealed.

Yes, it was true. Sasuke was standing there in the moonlight, wearing a black coat over a black sweatshirt that said: "I'm Not Emo, You're Just Too Upbeat." He had been out taking a walk and brooding over how much Naruto sucked at life, even though Naruto was clearly stronger than him.

"Oh, Sasuke-kun, I was worried about being out here all alone a moment ago, but I feel safe as long as you're here."

"Piss off, you freakin' conformist," Sasuke said, turning around and preparing to walk away. "And don't call me 'Sasuke-kun'."

Sakura, hurt by Sasuke's remark, did what she always did in these situations: blame Naruto. "Oh, this is all Naruto's fault, isn't it Sasuke-kun?" she asked. "He's always driven a wedge between us. It's because he has no parents. Kids without parents always turn into selfish little puss balls who smoke crack, rob banks, and return library books late. They said so on Fox News, and you know _those_ guys always get their stories straight."

Sakura was completely oblivious to the fact that Sasuke was shaking with rage. "You know, Sakura, there's something I've always wanted to say to you," he said, making hand signs.

Sakura's eyes gleamed. "Really? What is it Sasuke-kun?"

"Shut the f!# up, you stupid fangirl!" Sasuke said, whirling around to face Sakura as a Chidori formed on his left hand.

Let us end our tale here, as the incidents that followed this moment would not be appropriate for a T-rated fanfic.

A/N: Once again, I'm sorry for taking so long to update. Also, I think you should know, I don't hate Sasuke. In fact, I think he's pretty cool, but sometimes he really needs to stop being so emo and cut Naruto some slack. I'm planning on writing a new fanfiction right way, but I'm not making any promises. Thank you for reading this. You guys rule.


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